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& I

by Complainer.

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1.
And I’m amazed I can even hold a guitar: my palms are always sweating and I always catch myself off guard with all the simple things I manage to fail at. I hate this body, but I guess I’m stuck with it. And I know I’ll never make it out alive, but I hope that I’m proven wrong for once this time. And I can’t expect you to understand that I could keep my chin up, but what’s the point? And maybe I wouldn’t be this guy, if I didn’t grow up such a sponge for everything in my life. So thank you Sunday school for teaching me to hate who am, and I wish I knew what showed me to so love being sad. And I know I’ll never make it out alive, but I hope that I’m proven wrong for once this time. And I can’t expect you to understand that I could keep my chin up, but what’s the point? Well maybe I just need a trip out of my head, but it’s the only place I’ve ever been. And I know that I shouldn’t complain, I mean after all things could be worse, couldn’t they? And I know I’ll never make it out alive, but I hope that I’m proven wrong for once this time. And I can’t expect you to understand that I could keep my chin up, but what’s the point?
2.
And I know having regrets is just a part of growing up, but I could do without them being the only thing in my head. Because I’m always getting drunk and spilling my guts to anyone that will listen; no I don’t have an excuse man, I didn’t mean to break your tooth: some days I just shut off Because I know that I’m a mess and I’ve got to fix it, I’m getting really tired of waking up and screaming: Whoa, I feel like dying You know I’m getting really tired of falling on my face, every time I try and take a step forward. They say shoot for the moon, even if you miss you can land in the stars: here’s hoping I don’t fuck up and burn to death. Because I know that I’m a mess and I’ve got to fix it, I’m getting really tired of waking up and screaming: Whoa, I feel like dying
3.
And now I wish that I was less sober, but not as much as I wish that I was alone. And I’ve become a professional at counting down the seconds until I can make my leave. But I’m fearing that I’ve gone too deep, saying no never made much sense to me. But there’s this thing inside my head forcing all these awkward conversations I thought I’d never have. You claim this is for my health, so I’ll stand here against the wall, waiting on this night to be over. And now I’m sure as hell not sober, I’m slurring my words and spitting out my lines, but the smoke in my face the dead look in her eyes makes me thing I should just cut my loss. But I’m fearing that I’ve gone too deep, saying no never made much sense. But there’s this thing inside my head forcing all these awkward conversations I thought I’d never have. You claim this is for my health, so I’ll stand here against the wall, waiting on this night to be over. Oh why am I like this, should I just give up, maybe I’ll keep trying. I mean, how much more can this go wrong?
4.
And I’ve given up on your attention, if only because I know I’m not worth a second of your time. And I’d like to think I’m worth it, but to be honest I’m not holding my breath. But I find you spellbinding, in the worst kind of way Because You are the sun in my eyes, you’re everything I want that I wish I didn’t need, but I know I’m better off with you here, so please never leave Well maybe there’s a case for staying, but every sign is pointing at me being a lost cause. So now I spend my nights dreading, the day you finally wise up and get gone. The day you leave, what a sad day it’ll be, but it’ll be the first time in a while I’ve been right. And if you decide that you’re sticking around, I guess that means you’re as dumb as me But I still find you spellbinding, in the worst kind of way Because You are the sun in my eyes, you’re everything I want that I wish I didn’t need, but I know I’m better off with you here, so please never leave We keep on fighting through the week, it’s all good we’ll make up by the weekend. Sunday morning comes and I find a way to fuck it up, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because You are the sun in my eyes, you’re everything I want that I wish I didn’t need, but still I think I’m better off with you, so please never leave.
5.
Oh well I guess I’m out on my ass again, wondering when things got out of hand. I’m sure this is for the best, but it would have been nice to know that ahead of time. Because now I’m stuck in a situation I was unprepared for, I’m not that well suited for loneliness. They say that it’s better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. Well, take it from someone who’s been there before, that’s just a load of shit. And I can’t say that I don’t miss it at all, but I know that I’m better off without you. This is less of a heartbreak, more like and inconvenience. And honestly I just wish that you weren’t around. I don’t know why you stuck around, you were always yelling in my ear, if I’m really such a fuck up then why were you here in the first place? Physical attraction can only take you so far before you start to lose everything that made you a person. And I could probably be a bit kinder now that things are over, but I think you’ve made it very clear we’re way past being fair. And I can’t say that I don’t miss it at all, but I think I could be better off alone. And maybe it’s going to be another lonely year but I think I’ll be okay. And honestly I just wish that you weren’t around. And you know, as long as we’re being honest, all I’ve really got left to say is: I don’t need you, but I need my shit back. I know I fell out of your favor, but you still have a lot of my stuff. You can keep that little piece of my heart, but could I get back that hoodie? I don’t need you, but I need my shit back.
6.
Hey, what’s your name? I know your face so well but I don’t remember what to call you when you smile, god that smile used to brighten up my life, but then something died inside. And I’m sorry if this is a bit overdue, forgive me for hesitating I was just a bit confused. ‘Cause the space between your fingers was a place that I called home, maybe I’m in love, maybe I’m scared of being alone. And by all accounts I should just shut my fucking mouth, but I am so god damn bored. And now I can’t pretend I haven’t felt this sinking pit in my stomach, and when I look at you; I wanna feel whole but you know baby that ain’t the truth. And I’m sorry if this is a bit overdue, forgive me for hesitating I was just a bit confused. ‘Cause the space between your fingers was a place that I called home, maybe I’m in love, maybe I’m scared of being alone. And by all accounts I should just shut my fucking mouth, but I am so god damn bored. And now I want to be angry, the fact that I’m seeing it this way, but it took me so long that I think this is the light of day. Well maybe I’m fucking up, but never let it be said I didn’t try. I’ve had too many sleepless nights for me to finally realize that the space between your fingers can never be my home. I thought that I was in love, it turns out that I’m just scared of being alone. And I’m so burnt out on shutting my fucking mouth, and I am so god damn bored.
7.
As I clean up the empty bottles, I really wish I could have a better night, but the dish sink is full, and I’ve got nowhere to go. So I’ll spend my Friday nights cleaning… I guess that this is being an adult. Well growing up I was told I could be anything as long as I put my mind to it. Well now I’m not sure if I believe in any of that, because now I’m so much older with nothing to show for it. Except watching everyone I love get it together, as I continue struggling with getting out of bed. Well guess that this is being an artist: at least that’s what I’ve been telling myself these days. And I have never been so scared, but I really can’t help it. The world has been laid out as my oyster and I can’t bring myself to kill it. Oh my god everybody’s getting married, and I still can’t imagine liking anyone that much. Maybe I’m just bad at committing, maybe somewhere in my head I know I’m not good for anyone. And I have never been so scared, but I really can’t help it. The thought of walking down the aisle makes me want to vomit. Well I think that hope is for suckers, but at this point it’s really all I’ve got. And I know that the world is beautiful, but I can’t help but feel I’ve failed it. Well maybe I’m wrong about all of this, and there’s a reason to keep my chin up. And maybe just maybe, things get better, but you didn’t hear it from me!

credits

released September 24, 2016

Recording, and mixing by Patrick Schrock
Mastering by Jordan DiSorbo at Glass Arrow Studios in Toledo
All Guitars, Bass, Keyboards, and Vocals by Micah Cotner
All Drums by Justin Doman
All Trombone by Garret Doyle
Saxophone on "Ill Be Fine, I Hope" by Amadeo Roberson
Saxophone on "Am I Missing Something?" by Daryl Bean
Group vocals by Ethan Farrelly, Garret Doyle, Micah Cotner, Miriam Hitchcock, Meghan Pendleton, Kevin Murray, Blake Hatherley

Photography:
Thomas Ulch
Album artwork edited by Dan McDonald

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Complainer. Michigan

Poser ska/folk punk from Ann Arbor.

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